Also known as Mother’s Day, and the second Mother’s Day that I thought would be different.
For anyone in the TTC community, Mother’s Day is tough, just as Father’s day is for the guys that so badly want to be dads. Despite having a fun day planned, I had been dreading Mother’s Day this year since Mother’s Day last year but I knew I had to put a brave face on. A brave face never seems to be enough, but if you are battling infertility, I want you to know that this post could be triggering and I understand if you can’t bring yourself to read it.
The morning started with a quick cry as I woke up the reminder of being childless, “Okay, that’s out of the way” I thought, “I should be good now.” LOL WRONG. Then the texts started. My family (mom, dad, stepmom, sister, J and I) always have a group text going. I don’t remember the order but between my mom, my stepmom and my sister, they wished each other a Happy Mother’s Day. Then breakdown number two hit. I had already text each of them separately in hopes of avoiding something like this, and I know none of their intentions were to hurt me, they would never do that, but it did hurt. Breakdown number two quickly turned into number three, but this time I wasn’t alone, J joined me, but we had to pick ourselves up as my mother-in-law was due at our house any moment followed by my mom. Then the four of headed to St. Augustine to join my sister and her family.
The day was wonderful and started at everyone’s favorite restaurant, Columbia, where we did our little gift exchange. My sister has always made a point to celebrate me on Mother’s Day as Sebastian’s godmother and I can’t ever tell her how much that means to me. Rae, if you’re reading this, thank you. Sebastian is old enough now, 3 and a half, to have some* say in gifts, which I could tell he helped pick from his excitement (he announced what my gifts were before I was able to open the bag)! And of course, he scribbled in my card which may be the best part! Opening his gift threw me into a wet mess of tears, breakdown number four. This time it was a mix of happy and sad tears. Happy because I have him but so sad because I wish I could repay my sister.
Our day together came to an end and on the way home, just us and our moms, we explained the next steps as we were scheduled to have our first IUI in just a few weeks time. I also told them that I was seeking help from a counselor. Cue breakdown number five when we got home. One day I will cry happy tears on Mother’s Day, maybe that will be next year.
There’s a saying about days like this:
“Tuesdays with infertility are tough. Holidays with infertility are a special kind of tough.”
It’s so true and my heart breaks for every single infertility warrior out there because it feels like Mother’s Day will never happen for us.
Stay strong, warriors. I love you all.