The End of an Era

I’m sure you can tell by how long it’s taken me to write this post that our fifth IUI did not turn out the way we were hoping it (or the previous four) would.

Testing day was Thursday, October 17 and for the first time, I slept soundly through the night on testing eve. I woke up exactly one minute before our alarm was set to go off and quietly made my way into our bathroom, trying not to wake J, because you know, this was it. The test would be positive so I needed to come up with a plan on how to tell him, and quickly. HA! That was short-lived. Three minutes short-lived to be accurate.

This time, I didn’t want to run into my previous issue of missing the test strip, so I went with the old Dixie cup method. Once the test started cooking for its three-minute window, I did everything possible to not stare at it while trying not to make any noise to wake J. So I did the only logical thing and started pacing our bathroom while avoiding eye contact with the Dixie cup. My countdown ended and time was up. Low and behold….another negative. I couldn’t even cry at first, I just stared at the test in disbelief before holding it in so many different angles turning on different lights just to be sure there wasn’t a faint second line. Nope, nothing. So I grabbed a washcloth and headed back into bed to break the news to J. (The washcloth was for me crying.)

Once I was finally able to take a breath and speak, the only words that came out were “I’m so scared.” J replied, through tears and said: “I’m so scared for you too.” After grieving for about 30 minutes, I knew it was time to face the day, and just like always, we both put on a brave face. I had made the decision that I was going to call the clinic early in the day as there was no point in dragging my feet this time knowing the long timeline that was ahead of us.

Krissy answered at the FIRM like she always does, and when I told her the news, she replied with “I’m so sorry. Did you want to talk to Dr. F?” I told her no, that I didn’t want to face him – as if I was ashamed that I let him down again. Five times in a row. I told her I was ready to schedule our IVF consultation appointment and she gave me two options, the following day or six days later. Going the next day wasn’t an option as I simply didn’t have enough time to overthink, stress and compile my list of questions, so I chose Tuesday, October 22. Being that we had been FIRM patients for nearly a year at this point, Krissy said we could possibly complete our consultation within 30 minutes, but knowing me, we both agreed that an hour would be better. That is, until the next day when I called to request an hour and a half consultation.

And just like that, our IUI journey came to an end. This post is a short one as I truly am at a loss for words as I am working through my grief this time. There’s only so many times I can say that this was supposed to work. So, as we head into our IVF consultation, I will work on my list of questions for Dr. F that I will share with you. Until then, stay strong, warriors. xo