You’re an expert in my life – you know when I start my cycle, every time I go to the clinic, you seen every shot and you know when it doesn’t work. Well, it happened again. I truthfully don’t have much to say because I’m still so numb and trying to process this failure, 10 days later.
Testing day was September 17, and per usual, I had been dreading it for a few days. We had our fourth IUI late as I wasn’t responding to Clomid, so I wasn’t sure if I would even make it to testing day without getting my period. Sure enough, I did but I almost think it would have been less heartbreaking to find out that way rather than seeing another single line on a test. Yes, doc, I know – you test whether you’re bleeding or not.
I couldn’t sleep the night before, I kept tossing and turning, anxiously looking at the clock before forcing myself back to sleep. But then I woke up at 2:30 am having to pee (I drink a ton of water every day, so getting up during the night is normal for me + the fibroid I have pushing on my bladder makes me have to go a bit more). Once I was awake and knew I need to get up, I started debating. “Should I test now?” “No, go back to bed, test when your alarm goes off!” The reason for my internal debate is due to the fact that you should always test with your FMU (first morning urine) as it is stronger (not diluted) than your urine would be during the day drinking water, coffee, whatever. If you forget to use FMU or just simply want to test in the middle of the day, it’s recommended to hold your urine for four hours between bathroom trips. Now, back to my debate. My alarm goes off at 5:30, so that would have only been three hours from when I was awake, making my urine not as strong, but I could wait until 6:30 to test to give myself the four full hours but then I would have only had about an hour to grieve, collect my thoughts and get ready for the day.
After several minutes of thinking I was going to explode if I didn’t get up and go to the bathroom, I decided this was it. J was sleeping, so either way I would have time by myself. WRONG. The second I opened the bathroom door he was awake and waiting for me. (He must have heard me open the test.) He asked me if I was okay (we both always know the answer to that question), and I broke down. I crawled back into bed with a washcloth to wipe my tears and laid awake in anger. And that was it; the month of hope leading up to that moment was just a faint memory.
Side note: my whole internal debate was a joke as it wouldn’t have made a lick of difference if I tested at 2:30, 5:30, 6:30 or later in the day. Negative is negative, and the time on the clock wasn’t going to change that.
Due to other things going on in our lives, I haven’t had the time to grieve that I need. You may wonder why I would grieve if this wasn’t a loss, as that is what most hear women grieving about. For me, I need time to grieve the hopes, dreams and imaginations I had for this cycle and the baby that could have been. I also need to grieve the love that I knew would come immediately flooding in. I need to grieve the disappointment in my body yet again. I need to grieve the thoughts of how I would tell J and how we would then tell our families and friends. I need to grieve that we will not have a baby with a May, 26, 2020 due date. I need to grieve that each failed cycle is a painful reminder that I am approaching my 30th birthday without a baby. And I need to grieve that we soon will be done with this prong on the ladder as we talk about our next steps.